LIVING LONGER THAN ONE'S OTHER HALF

Sevil Agayeva's husband died at the age of 34 of a congenital heart defect. She found herself widowed with two children aged 6 years and 18 months. She has always been an independent person. She wrote well and already when she was 16, she received quite decent royalties for her English-language short stories - she used to send them to English-language periodicals. She has always been successful. Two years of study abroad, then a well-paid job and an encounter with the person she was to fall in love with. Sevil has always considered herself independent, self-sufficient and someone who can take whatever life might throw at her and survive. But after Fuad's death, she found herself in a desperate situation.

"For the first time in my life, I was confused and grief-stricken. I did not know if I would survive my plight," Sevil reminisces. "I had a feeling that I was in a sealed box and did not know how to get out of there. There were moments when it seemed to me that I could not breathe. The sky, the trees - all that lost its meaning to me. It was like being thrown up in the air and falling, dazed and unable to understand anything."

Grieving, she had to deal with practical issues. She suddenly turned into a single mother of two, one of them still in nappies and another inconsolable over the death of his beloved daddy. "Time goes by, and you start to gradually realize how much your life has changed. Initially you do not understand how deeply rooted the habits were, how deeply you were steeped in the life style which you and your husband created together: how many bottles of milk we bought at the grocery, what we did after work, how many presents we bought for New Year, how we spent birthdays and family anniversaries. No one will say 'I'll get it' when the phone rings and no one will help you carry your shopping." Time did not heal her wounds. A year passed, then two. She forced herself to go to work - she simply knew that she had to. She did things automatically. The family anniversaries were particularly painful. Two more years passed. She overcame her depression on her own because neither parents nor friends could help. She was angry at the world and did not want to see happy couples. Then things somehow became easier, most probably thanks to the children and work. She realized that time had started to heal her wound, and she began moving forward. Four years after her husband's death, she was already able to think about Fuad without pain. "But still, as soon as I hear the song [their favourite song was Yesterday by The Beatles], I start crying," Sevil admits.

For the first time in history, pursuant to the UN General Assembly resolution which was adopted in 2010, the world marked International Widows' Day on 23 June. The General Assembly decreed that the day is to be marked every year beginning from 2011, and called on member states, UN agencies and other international and regional organizations to focus specifically on the circumstances of widows and their children within the limits of their respective areas of competence. The First International Widows' Day, which was marked on 23 June, helps draw attention to the difficulties of widows and their children in fully exercising their human rights and decreasing poverty and helps broaden their rights and give them more opportunities. In addition, women should be aware of the situation for widows because the likelihood of widowhood is high for all of them. Wives are statistically younger than their husbands and live longer than men.

In addition to material difficulties, widows are besieged by personal problems - loneliness, depression, an uncertain future. The situation of widows is further aggravated by the fact that society is not always understanding of their circumstances and feelings. Psychologist Saadat Hasanova stresses that, for some reason, society is often cruel to widows. "At first sight, this seems absurd, but this is a fact. Widows are treated like second-rate people. Their grief, dramatic change in economic status, duties which they have to shoulder unexpectedly - all these are problems which others prefer not to see or to pretend that they do not exist."

Saadat Hasanova said that when a husband dies, everyone is supportive of a widow. Preparations for the funeral, the funeral ceremony itself, flowers and condolences - everyone supports her. But then everyone becomes oblivious. People quickly get fed up with someone else's troubles. And widows of an advanced age can find no consolation because of their uncertain future. "An elderly woman may have never worked, and if her husband did not leave her enough money, she may find herself facing the need to look for a job, maybe to face age discrimination or, initially, lacking skills. Children are not always able to resolve the problems of their mothers. A widow starts to experience considerable material difficulties. There are plenty of reasons to despair. If a widow panics because of a lack of funds, this affects everything she does." Some women are angry with their dead husbands. "They may be angry because they feel abandoned, which is of course true. Women start to recollect all the quarrels, and even minor bickering or a single word that was intended to offend is dredged from the memory. Some widows are angry even with God. They often vent their frustration on others. But this is only the beginning of the problems. Loneliness, the sense of uselessness - a widow who has lost a husband whom she loved and with whom she lived for a long time also loses half of her own self," the psychologist said.

She said that associations of widows are being created all over the world to draw attention to the bereft and very sentimental minority of women who have lost their husbands and who need help. And in Azerbaijan too, there are many widows, and many of them lost their husbands in the Karabakh war. "This category of people needs protection and rehabilitation, the assistance of psychologists. It is desirable to provide social support in these types of associations free of charge." Widows may need help in practical matters, including finding a job, dealing with financial issues and giving them the opportunity of occupational training. In the United States, widows associations first and foremost provide professional assistance to help them get over the most difficult period. People may develop the need for new friends, widows like themselves, who better understand the situation of a person who lost her spouse, her other self."