EXAMS ARE OVER. BUT LIFE CONTINUES

In Azerbaijan, the arrival of summer is accompanied by a sense of anticipation, as graduates and their families eagerly await the results of their entrance exams. These scores are often seen by students as pivotal in determining their future academic and professional prospects. It is regrettable that such situations frequently involve tragic outcomes: teenagers who do not achieve passing scores resort to suicide. Some succeed. The bereaved are left with an enduring sense of loss that cannot be fully measured.

In 2023, Azerbaijan recorded the highest number of suicides – 620 cases, of which 180 occurred in Baku and 440 in the country's regions. Although official statistics do not specify cases linked to failure in entrance exams, tragic stories about young people unable to withstand psychological pressure after failing to enter higher education institutions appear in the media every year.

When ambition and fear are stronger than life

What are the underlying causes of these tragedies? In some cases, it may be the fear of parents who have linked their unfulfilled dreams to their child. In some cases, the issue may lie in the individual's own ambition, leading to feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. In some cases, it is simply a lack of awareness regarding other possibilities: a person aged 16 or 17 may genuinely believe that if they do not get into university, their life will be over. However, it is important to note that scores are not a judgement. These are not diagnostic tools. At best, they represent a turning point, not a dead end. The value of life cannot be measured by a point system. Life is not a test paper where failure results in elimination. Each individual is valuable, irrespective of the outcomes. A range of activities, including work, hobbies, running a business, crafts, volunteering, travel and making further attempts, are all possible only if one is alive.

Many successful people did not succeed on their first attempt. Some never attended university at all—and yet became world changers:

— Albert Einstein failed the polytechnic entrance exam and worked as a clerk before revolutionising science.

— Thomas Edison, a great inventor, faced problems at school and was expelled but, through self-education and his mother’s encouragement, authored over a thousand patents including the light bulb.

— Winston Churchill, the future Prime Minister of Great Britain, had learning difficulties and entered military college only on his third attempt but went on to become an outstanding statesman and Nobel Prize winner.

— Steve Jobs dropped out without finishing university but then transformed the perception of technology worldwide.

— Mark Zuckerberg, creator of Facebook, left Harvard in his second year to develop his social network, which became one of the largest platforms globally.

—  Daniel Ek, founder of Spotify, left his studies at the Royal Swedish Institute of Technology after eight weeks to start his own business; today, his platform has millions of users worldwide.

These examples show that educational setbacks do not define the rest of life. It is important to remember that each person is unique and that paths to success vary widely. Support from loved ones and belief in oneself are crucial for overcoming challenges.

What adults can do

The primary pressure in this matter is from parents. It is important to note that, although it may not always be expressed explicitly, this can have a significantly negative impact on the child. Parents have a responsibility to prepare their children for the possibility of failure. This involves not only discussing options but also fostering an environment that values education as a part of life, rather than the sole focus. It is imperative that children are not instilled with the notion from an early age that they must either be accepted or be deemed insignificant. This approach can lead to undue criticism and negative judgement, rather than constructive feedback and learning.

Parental love should be unwavering in its support of teenagers. It is imperative that it is not contingent on external outcomes such as grades or the perceptions of others. It is vital that children feel valued and loved for who they are, rather than for their achievements. This is a key factor in their ability to demonstrate inner resilience.

It is also important to demonstrate that the world is vast and multifaceted. The road to happiness and self-realisation does not necessarily have to pass through higher education. Should initial efforts prove unsuccessful, this should not be seen as a failure, but rather as an opportunity to rethink goals, find new paths, and discover hidden talents. It is important to recognise that making mistakes is an inevitable part of any process. This is not a matter of tragedy, but rather an essential component of professional development.

It is crucial to ensure that children do not become mere exam preparation machines, neglecting their hobbies and strengths that extend beyond textbooks and tests. Supporting hobbies, sports and creative pursuits helps to develop an integrated personality that can withstand initial setbacks.

It is imperative that adults are present in a way that does not create undue pressure or expectations, which can be detrimental to the well-being of children. It is essential that they are able to listen and accept when a child is struggling. The child's apprehension regarding being "not accepted" is effectively mitigated by the knowledge that their family's love is unconditional, irrespective of their academic performance. Parents should be aware that their child's score reflects a living person who requires support, particularly in cases where expectations are not met. It is important to be aware that expectations can be adjusted, but this is not possible in the case of life itself.

Teachers, medics, neighbours must not ignore warning signs. It is necessary to talk, support, and make young people feel that mistakes are not final. Professional help from psychological support services in Azerbaijan is available and ready to assist.

What about peers?

In some cases, it is not grades or parental disappointment that cause the greatest pain, but rather the absence of support from friends. If a classmate who shared a sandwich with you a month ago now looks at you in a negative way because you "didn't make it", you need to be aware of how this might affect your professional reputation. In the event that a chat room dedicated to the discussion of universities is in operation, yet your message is not acknowledged. Yes, this is a possibility.

The teenage world is both tough and sensitive. While adults may rely on logic and experience, teenagers often feel like they are facing a wall: others have moved on while they remain behind. They smile at parents, receive gifts, post "got in" stories — and feel frozen at a bus stop after the bus has left alone.

At this age, peer opinion becomes more than just important; it wields considerable influence. It is important to be aware that any word, look or emoji can cause more of an emotional wound than what might be considered adult rudeness. In the absence of robust self-esteem or family instruction that emphasises the inherent value of the individual, such exclusion can prove to be highly detrimental. While peers rarely intend to cause harm, teenage hierarchies often rely on the fear of being different or "at the bottom." Individuals who falter in their efforts to demonstrate their resilience are often excluded from such groups. This can result in a form of silent cruelty.

It is crucial to emphasise that academic achievements do not define an individual's worth; qualities such as kindness, loyalty, and the ability to support others are of far greater significance. Providing support to someone who has encountered setbacks can be considered a significant accomplishment.

In the context of human nature, it is not grades that define us; it is the manner in which we interact with those who are suffering more than ourselves.

Life lessons

According to psycho-corrector and EMDR therapist Afag Babazade, when teenagers fail exams, they are often not afraid of failure itself, but of the consequences. These include the possibility of meeting their parents, the potential destruction of their future, and the loss of direction if their planned path is cut off.

In such moments, teenagers may become taciturn, distant, laugh nervously or shut down, but underneath it all lies a sense of despair. In the absence of intervention or support at this time, there is a risk that they may resort to extreme measures. This is not due to any sense of weakness on their part, but rather a result of the feeling that there is nothing left to lose.

"What can parents do?"

"Firstly, communication is key. Rather than offering superficial reassurances like "it's okay" or empty promises of a positive outcome, we should engage in meaningful dialogue as adults, addressing life's challenges and difficulties with seriousness and authenticity. In a business context, it is important to share failures in a way that is inclusive and equitable. Rather than addressing these issues from a position of authority, it is more constructive to address them in a collaborative manner, ensuring that all voices are heard and that any failures are addressed in a transparent and inclusive way. Adolescents are adept at discerning authenticity from insincerity.

"It is important not to judge, but to provide support and assistance. Inquire as to the motivations behind their actions, their current sentiments, and the concepts they have formulated for their future course of action. Avoid pressuring them, instead encouraging them to explore the possibilities together. Offer a range of options rather than providing pre-established answers.

"It is vital to provide support not only for outcomes but also for the efforts that underpin them. It is important to remind them that life is not about grades or professions; it is about being alive, being needed and existing as a value that transcends any evaluation.

"It is important to avoid losing oneself in this process, as this will only cause further pain for all those involved. At this point in time, all possibilities remain on the table. Every option can be reconsidered, rebuilt and tried in a different way."

"But what if the child withdraws and refuses to engage in conversation?"

"It is imperative to avoid indulging or pitying them; they require engagement and action  —  a sense that their opinion holds weight and that they are trusted not only as students but as individuals.

"It is important to identify simple tasks that can be completed collaboratively. These tasks should be of a mundane nature, yet still have a significant impact. It is essential to acknowledge these tasks not for their academic merit, but rather for their contribution to character development, actions, and care.

"Make sure that they are reintegrated into family life in a way that recognises their feelings of disappointment, as these feelings can pose a greater risk than any failing grade.

"In such situations, an honest and direct declaration can be beneficial. It demonstrates transparency and humility, acknowledging mistakes and taking responsibility for them, while also affirming the relationship and commitment to the other party.

"Let's consider the next steps we can take together. If I require assistance, I will request it myself, as I depend on you.

"A teenager who feels a sense of purpose and belonging to adults and family will not resort to self-destructive behaviour because they possess a deep-seated desire to connect with others, which can be a source of strength and support."

Behind anxiety is hope

Each summer, our nation experiences a period of anticipation and concern, characterised by assessments, rankings and expectations, often accompanied by emotional responses. These figures represent the lives of real people. It is important to consider that, behind every non-enrollee, there is a teenager who can quickly feel unwanted, lonely and superfluous.

However, the most concerning aspect is not the failure to achieve success, but rather the tendency of adults to forget that children should not be expected to meet our expectations. Their task is to live, grow, search, make mistakes and try again.

Our role is to provide consistent support and guidance, unconditionally and without reproach, disregarding external influences. Any judgement is temporary; any failure is fixable; life is one.

No grade, university or unfulfilled ambition should ever come at the expense of a human life.

We must bear in mind that we have a responsibility to act not only as professionals but also as human beings, as parents, and as individuals who can make a difference through the power of communication, whether spoken or unspoken.

In some cases, this alone is sufficient for a teenager to make the choice to live.